A story about a garden, a guitar, an old-skool movie and a ghost-town

Dear Friend 

I am writing to you to share with you a story about a garden, a guitar, an old-skool movie and a ghost-town. Well really, I could share with you four separate stories, but I know that you don’t have a lot of time these days. Our world has got so busy that reading stories and making links is so much harder than it used to be. Instead, we have become reactive as a people, we hear a story and we see it in isolation, we do not see the connections. And as such we are blind between the links between our own story and the stories of others. 

So, in order to bring these stories together for you, I need to give you a beginning. And that beginning is – of course, you know me – on the West Coast. The West Coast of the South Island is one of the most isolated regions in New Zealand. It is also one of the most resource-rich areas and it is one region that is stigmatized with the dirty word ‘mining’. I ask you to put that issue slightly aside; it is for another letter. However, I will share with you a deeply known fact on the Coast, the money that is dug from the ground is not profit for the Coast, it is profit for the rest of New Zealand. The profit from the mines goes into Wellington, West Coasters see little of it. Added to this, the working-class nature of my brothers and sisters on the West Coast is both admired and see as ‘backward’. Helen Clark once called us ‘feral’ and some bloggers continue to. So, we know and feel what it is like to be seen as different to mainstream Pākeha New Zealand and we feel ripped off. It is a real feeling and it has real meaning. 

But this is just my beginning, like you might as well, I know what it is like to be raised on the feeling that New Zealand is not just. But, my friend, recently I felt alarmed, and ashamed, at the response of Pākeha New Zealand to the injustice of our tangata whēnua (people of the land; it is important to know that whēnua also means placenta). This happened where our story of the garden starts. On the West Coast, we honour our history and many old-skoolers can whakapapa (directly connect) back to original settlers, spaces, places, communities and water ways (rivers and seas). As such we keep areas preserved and protected. Because many of us are still directly connected and even hold positions of authority (mayor, business owners, etc) we can assert our privilege and claim these spaces - just look at the protectors around Buller Hospital and, in the 1980s, Reefton Hospital. We know that our historical areas like Denniston, Reefton Powerhouse, Waiuta, Millerton (and many others) are important to keep for future generations. I know friend, that you have your areas as well. 

But earlier this year, the main-stream news talked about a group of people wanting to protect their historical gardens (Ihumātao). These gardens are hundreds of years old. They are one of the oldest historical sites in New Zealand. They sit on land that was stolen, no one argues this. The land was stolen from Māori and given (yes, given) to a settler family who owned it for over 100 years. Recently the family decided to sell it. The original owners jumped up and argued this is a chance for this historical site to be returned. The City Council advised to Government that the land should be returned due both to its historical nature and to the recognised fact that it was stolen. Central Government jumped up and down and said to the Council, due to the housing crisis, it must be sold and developed. A small group of people did negotiate with the new owners some recognition. But it wasn’t a table discussion and people were excluded. You have to believe me I have been to this site. The land cries out to me just as the Denniston Incline does on the Coast. If you take five minutes to pop by as you go out to Auckland airport, you will find the same feeling hit you – especially when you see the extent of the size of the gardens, you see the rich soil and you remember the head-lines hitting us now in the news that a concern is now arising of the fertile soils of Auckland being developed at the cost of our food source – Auckland has volcanic soils that enable our tables to be adorned with the most amazing veges. 

You must know that I am not going to go into the history here. I will give you some links below if you are interested. I want to share with you my concern though – it is a real cry of injustice coming from this site and all I heard back from many Pākeha was – get over the past, what do you want – haven’t we said sorry enough?, all these Māori …  

This concerned me as I saw a lack of the most important need in this space. If we want to resolve our past we need to reconcile (come to terms and heal) our past and our relationship with each other. This involves a conversation and the conversation involves listening with your heart. It involves parking the ‘get over it’ at the door and realising that Māori have had to be PC for over a century. It is time that those of us who are Pākeha realise that the rising generation of Māori have a right for a voice. Most of all they have a right to be authentically heard. 

But some of you, some of my real close friends, didn’t feel this way – get over it, bloody Māoris (sic), when is this going to stop? So, I tried something else, I pulled from the pages of the Bible where King David had done wrong but didn’t see it and Nathan the prophet came to him and told a story. Nowhere through the story did he say – this is an allegory. So, David took it hook, line and sinker and his heart (not his head) reacted – in an injustice like this, something must be done. You can read about this story in the Bible, 2 Samuel, Chapter 12. It is powerful. So, I decided, how to I get to the hearts of my friends. I will tell them an allegory but won’t spring this fact on them until the end. I told a story about a guitar I inherited from Uncle Harry (one of my dads). I talked about how it was stolen and was now on sale, but because I did not have Uncle Harry’s will proving I owned it, I would not be able to claim it from the shop selling it. Just as the rightful inheritors of the ancient garden have been doing (but were being condemned for), I was encouraged to follow suite – go to the media, go to the government, claim it back. It is your’s Fiona. I even had a local MP offer to support me and another Black Power friend offer to steal it back. My friends responded with their hearts, no one told me to get over it. And in fact, I had these words in my post, so many people were angered by the words themselves (how dare you be told this Fiona, it is not okay). You see the garden and my guitar had a link. 

And friend, you know how we love to watch movies that speak to our hearts. Over the week that followed I watched movies on the very aspect of having land taken unfairly – Braveheart and the story of Scotland (and yes the Scots and the Irish are still fighting for independence ('You can take my land but you can't take my FREEDOM'); many have not got over it), Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee (a tear jerker about Native Americans) and our favourite, the Castle “The number 1. Australian comedy that sticks it up the big guys” (tag line). The last being an all-time favourite of many West Coasters – after all just like the protectors of our falling-down hospitals and historic gardens – we don’t like having our rights taken away and we sure as hell don’t like our land seized. 

Sorry, I realised that I have missed out on telling you about the final story that links these together my friend. This story takes us back to my mining history; but the Fountaine family have no claim here only a story. There is a famous historic ghost-town on the Coast. It is called Charleston. It was one of New Zealand’s largest gold rush towns. It was so big that the Wellington post-master received a promotion to work there and Hannah’s Shoes started there. It had over 30 pubs and this is not counting the tent pubs on the shore line. But today it is a tiny haven with an adventure tour company and a couple of houses. It is also a space where sections once bought have been abandoned as the seekers moved North for more gold or to Quartzopolies (Reefton) for the richest gold around. The irony of this letter is, my friend, is that as protectors stand on the land their ancestors now; back in my home region, the Council is searching for the descendants of the original owners so that they can take what is rightfully theirs. If they can’t find the ‘original’ owners, the Council will have the right to sell the land (which it desires to do). This land was not stolen in the same way as the garden in the North Island but it was purchased back in the mining days. However, if it is sold, it will be seen as injustly acquired land as the Council did not  attempt to reconcile first with the original owners. It seems ironic that all these stories are connected through a concept of justice. Three deeply speak of injustice where as one speaks of justice. Inviting people to the table so that they can share their claim and reconciliation can take place. 

You see I don’t want to persuade you to take one side of the fence my friend. I want to encourage you to come to the table and be prepared to listen with your heart. Your heart knows injustice deeply. We will never be able to resolve our broken history, but we can reconcile it. This begins with a conversation around a table, some food and some open ears. It also begins with learning your own history and if you are a recent arrival learning the history of this nation. Knowing our history means we come to the table wiser and ready to engage. Do you know the history of Ihumãtao? 

So, my friend, please, are you ready to listen with your heart – the story of our nation is not okay, it is broken, it is very broken. Are you prepared to come to the table? If you are broken are you prepared not to wound the people you feel wounded by so that you can heal? If you are part of the brokenness of your 'brother or sister' are you prepared to listen instead of laying down an excuse without hearing the pain? 

This is the lesson of Ihumātao. The land is truly a garden to start the healing the process. The protectors here are open to speaking their story with love - not condemnation. The spirit of Tohu and Te Whiti is strong. Ihumātao has been made a land of peace by the protectors through the power of the Holy Spirit. It is a table that works as a bridge - cross the bridge, come to the table and into the conversation; after all healing might hurt but it leads to better outcomes for all of us.

Peace be upon you 

Dr Phi 

Resources  

I haven’t put these in APA as I want you to be able to access them easily and not have to worrying about how us academics do a reference list. 

Article on the protest of fertile land occurring at the same time as Ihumātao 

https://www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/first-up/audio/2018708777/pukekohe-growers-say-land-needs-protection-from-urban-creep 

Article on Ihumātao written by a descendent of the Howick Fencibles (I have a connection here as well) 

https://e-tangata.co.nz/korero/dave-veart-unearthing-ihumataos-past/?fbclid=IwAR1W83fcdRFCm_nBqLa8NhpHxxkuIOvg4_xOKuD2k2dfgScjiOCOuUc1pL8 

NZ Geographic Article on Ihumātao

https://www.nzgeo.com/stories/when-worlds-collide-2/ 

Abandoned Land Titles in Charleston where Buller District Council is looking for descendents to take claim 

http://bullerdc.govt.nz/abandoned-land/ 

Key books 

Healing our History 

https://www.penguin.co.nz/books/healing-our-history-3rd-edition-9780143567691 

Huia Comes Home 

https://www.huiacomehome.co.nz/book 

The Comfort Zone

We all have it; that space that is the fine line between comfort and challenge; where our lives go through so much change and uncertainty, we don’t want to be on the line, we don’t even what to be in the challenge. We need comfort because at least in uncertainty, there is some comfort of assurance in our comfort zone. Our comfort zone may be family, some ritual activity that we don’t want to give up, or it may be just the certainty that staying in our current zone of geography will not bring additional challenge. In this space, we know that there is never one hundred percent assurance; however, in times of uncertainty, we can try to keep ourselves balanced by at least trying to assert control.

I have spent near to a decade working on one of the most amazing programmes in the world – youth development, or as we proudly assert #BYD4life. It has been my dream job as I was able to be an activist, academic, agent for change and advocate for the learning of our students. But, last year I decided to step out of this comfort zone; at least for a while. I took the management challenge on. Part of me didn’t want to; my family is very working class, we are use to managers ‘crapping on us’. We are use to managers making hard decisions in times of stress to save their jobs and put the pressure on the plebs, or the workers, to make a difference. But I didn’t see the Head of School role as a managerial position. I saw it as a chance to lead as an academic leader. I could really make a difference, even in a time of stress and change. I had begun to push at the edges of my comfort zone and, to be honest, it was enjoyable. You see, you do not grow in your comfort zone. It is a static place, that is so why we like it. It is in the challenge that you grow, not in the comfort.

However, once 2019 hit, it was clear. More changes would be needed in my sector in order to prepare for future changes and challenges. You see while I was in my challenge zone, I could still see the lines of my comfort zone. To me this gave me some security in my challenge. But that line was going to move.

2019 would see this line move in two ways. The first was in a good way. Others might not see it as this, but I do. In order to make ourselves fit for 2020, my workplace looked at making cuts to the managerial layer. While I may still be here in the future, it is my decision to rest in the possibility that this season is ending. I am now at the crossroads that occurs when your position, along with others, is disestablished, I can choose where I go, to the left or to the right. I can chose to stop and wait and I can chose to step back. I won’t be choosing that.

The second change was a deeply challenging one. I was to journey with a young friend, colleague and mentor to the United States. This is a complete pick up and shift out of my comfort zone. I would not be with family and worse, I would have to experience LAX and O’Hare Chicago International Airport. Even worse, one flight is 16 hours straight in the air, no stops, but if you were to add those in, well that makes it a near 24 hour flight over three days (due to time zone shifting).

This flight would take me to the International Congress of Qualitative Inquiry (for those of us not use to ivory tower speak, this translates into the Nerds Come Together to Talk About Storytelling in Research). Given the changes that were happening within my workplace, I just didn’t want to go. Not only would I have to endure the challenge, the real challenge, of being out of my geographical comfort zone (always having to remember to not lose my passport), I would have to also endure an identity crisis.

Given that I am no longer a university lecturer or even, the perceived lesser, of a polytechnic tutor, could I really go to this type of big-wig conference? Especially if the world’s top expert in qualitative research was leading it (Norman Denzin) and I, a NZ Pakeha, was representing an indigenous project with an amazing up and coming researcher, Hine Funaki who can claim this space loud and proud. She really didn't need me to support her as her mana and her ancestors go before her.

And in all this, the words of my youth sector friends were ringing in my ears, when my journey with WelTec and Whitireia closes, I will need to pause. After all, they would tell me, it is in the pause that I will find what is lost. And this conference was such a pause, but a pause in the worst place possible, an indigenous circle at an international conference in the United States of America. And, in a town, which only tourist attraction is … the university. I was trapped, no museum of real attraction, the celebrated history is that of a university; with a forgotten history only revealed in spaces like the conference. I had to attend the conference.

I was well and truly out of my comfort zone. The line between comfort and challenge could no  longer be seen. This space was one of sink or swim and I had no energy to swim.

So as I paused, I did not find what I lost at first, I found with deep sadness what I had become. The last few years have been so hard that I have pushed ahead no matter what. I have forgot to take life West Coast styles and simply ‘chill’. My headspace of pushing ahead was excluding and pushing out others. It stopped others sharing my space. It stopped others journeying with me and growing with me. I had gone into a zone of self-protection. If a door opened and I needed to make my way through it, I would push ahead not caring for the person in front struggling to make a step forward.

To be honest, I had become greedy and self-centred in order to protect myself from the hurts of change.

I had become selfish in an attempt to not lose myself. But I did lose myself. This is what my friends were getting at. I had to be out of my comfort zone to see this. I had to be challenged by my colleagues, by Hine returning to the hotel one evening who simply knew we were not ready to present with my pushing-ahead behaviours.

I had to experience the rich and warm hospitality of the American people I met. The attitude of each person to me to apologise if they had failed to open a door for me; to show deep appreciation for a thanks; and to be prepared to live by the motto of ‘any thing can be returned, no questions asked, and a refund will be given with a smile.’ America is not perfect. We all know this and in Aotearoa we are quick to remind Americans of this. But the people, the working people, who probably can't afford to come to Aotearoa, wow they know how to teach you a lesson in appreciation.

I had to go through this journey at an academic conference of all things. I had to find that in my challenge zone, there will always be a space of comfort, and I found it at this conference. I have never been to an academic conference where tears have flown deeply in rooms as presenters share their hearts.

Hear me here, this did not occur in all presentations and my first challenge was, once I realised what I had lost and had become, I had to find comfort in the waiting time of the struggle. So I decided to go to presentations from those academics that had impacted my journey. I sat through the presentations and I felt uneasy. I could understand the language and the arguments, but I realised that this type of academia was not my home.

I felt so lost because I am at these crossroads and if I have to decide to return to university education, can I? Well, I felt, no I could not. You see I have to be real to the people that engage in my work. I know the big words yes, but I do not want to use them to belittle others, especially when a big word like epistemology can have a simple word replace it with just as much meaning, worldview? To be honest, I do not want to be a 'tosser' academic striving for positions and a fan club. I do not want to have to play the game.

I left these presentations sad and angry. Sad that part of my future has been decided by myself, to not return to the ivory tower of language and big words. Angry, that a key role of academics is to be a social critic of society, but how can we if society doesn’t understand what we say? Added to this, and deep to my being, how can we be a social critic if we stand above our people and not with our people?

And then I decided to follow my heart. I decided to go to a presentation that involved spoken words from some Pacific academics from New Zealand. It was here that my heart really heard my reality. I do not want to return to a mundane job. I want to be in positions that make real difference, not for others, but with others. This decision does not determine the who I will be in the future, but it does determine the course of my future. I will continue to be an advocate for change and I will not speak a language that cannot be understood.

Part of this realisation came through a key group within the conference called the Indigenous Circle. This is a group that represents indigenous peoples and their allies. People who understand that impact of colonisation that continues to tear apart our communities today. This group slowly got to know me and as the conference continued, they embraced me in ways that I could never imagine.  It was like they saw my heart but wanted to know it was genuine. By the end of the conference this became apparent as members came to me to hug me before they left for home and one member gave me a piece of carved coal. I even found soul mates in allies who had come from working class backgrounds in France and Ireland. It was special to be able to talk bollocks with those that know what bollocks is and to question the need to put Derrida and Foucault on Pillars when they were writing in their own context.

So back to reality.

My grandfather carved coal. My grandparents on both sides believed in justice and I know that they continue to stand with me proud. They may have passed but they were at my graduation and present in my wedding vowels. They were present at this conference. They have reminded me deeply, we will always be challenged to move outside of our comfort zone. We must embrace this challenge. We must remember that those before us, once stepped outside of their comfort zone. And, even though we don’t see the line of comfort in the challenge, if we close our eyes, we will feel the presence of those before us. We will feel the presence of our faith and we can be assured, growth can only happen in the challenge, but the challenge does not have to hurt if we rub our feet into the soil and feel those who stand with us.

I return to Aotearoa knowing that my work for social justice will continue. I return knowing that this is what I am to look for in future opportunities. I return hopeful and I return with massive thanks to my colleagues Associate Professor Joanna Kidman for making this opportunity, near 'Full Professor' Hine Funaki for joining me and being part of the challenge and superhero Pine Southon for making it all work.

Aotearoa - I am coming back to you, my home, now. Thank you America, thank you to my new friends.

What do we do with the 43%

Teddy - A Memory with a Special Story

Tene koutou, tene koutou, tene tatou katoa

So whanau, for those of you who have been journeying with us regularly, are you ready to dive straight into the book of Mark?

Brilliant, okay, let’s go. Turn with me to Ruth 1, verses 16-17. The book that is just before Kings in the Old Testament where we are introduced to one of the mighty women in the whakapapa of Jesus.

"Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from following you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me."

These powerful words can be found in the book of Ruth as she swears an oath to always be with Naomi and to walk in the ways of Naomi, even if that involved following a foreign God.

When Eric and I got married, on two separate occasions, we wrote our own vowels to each other, I chose these words. To me they are so powerful as they tell us about a promise relationship, when we commit ourselves to each other to live with each other no matter what. It is this promise relationship that God has sworn over us – one that is exemplified at the cross, where he became broken for us, to carry our brokenness and bring us healing. The Biblical word for a promise relationship is covenant. And, it should not be broken.

"Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from following you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me."

Folks, we live in a world of broken promises. We live in a world where it is okay to speak the words but walk another way. We make promises to each other that we just don’t have to keep because it is okay to take any reason to break a promise. You have probably guessed it, but I have really felt prompted as we journey into Mark, to preach on something really tricky today.

The passage I have been given in Mark to share from is Chapter 10, verses 1-32. And the verses start with a topic that is all too real today.  Now, as a team, we are encouraged to pray into what God wants us to share. And as I prayed and prepared into this week’s message, I felt a prompting to talk into the topic that Jesus is challenged on by the Pharisees. Because you see there is danger in these verses; and, yes, the word of God is dangerous, you can’t have an upside-down Kingdom without putting the current status quo into danger. There is danger in these verses, as they challenge us and remind us of the power of promise relationships, and, at times, they have been used to condemn others, and,  at times, they have become verses of self-condemnation; but if we were to read these verses with the heart of God, we would see that they speak first into the brokenness of this world, they speak so much into it, and they also speak into the profound love of a God – who says to us “where you go, I will go” even if it means going into the pits of hell to save you.

From there he went to the area of Judea across the Jordan. A crowd of people, as was so often the case, went along, and he, as he so often did, taught them. Pharisees came up, intending to give him a hard time. They asked, "Is it legal for a man to divorce his wife?" Jesus said, "What did Moses command?" They answered, "Moses gave permission to fill out a certificate of dismissal and divorce her." Jesus said, "Moses wrote this command only as a concession to your hardhearted ways. In the original creation, God made male and female to be together. Because of this, a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage he becomes one flesh with a woman--no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart." When they were back home, the disciples brought it up again.  (Mar 10:1-10)

Whanau, today I am going to talk into the topic of divorce. The topic that Jesus is confronted with here. Before we even start I want you to know the key points of this message:

1)     God’s desire is for each of us to recognise that the important of promise relationships, sealed with an oath, are deeply a part of who we each are as humans; 

2)     Relationships of promise are not based on a feeling of love and choice; 

3)     When things are so difficult that the only option is separation, the pain is real, and the brokenness is real too; 

4)     And hear me here, God’s condemnation does not sit in this brokenness; 

5)     As a church, as the Bride of Christ in preparation for the wedding, we have to respond to the brokenness that is occurring in our society today.

And at this point, while I am not going to venture too much further into the verses of Mark 10:1-32, I will capture some of the themes as I share a spoken word, or poem, of the experience being in amongst divorce, in a situation that divorce was called for – it was the only choice, unfortunately it was the right choice, for my parents to make. But the brokenness and the pain for all of us, my parents, my sister and I, was, and still is, still real.

I was only four
I was only four and I remember the fights
Frypans, fists and words
Thrown around the house
Bruises, blood and hurt
It wasn't a safe home for anyone
But I loved them both
I dreamed of becoming a nurse like my mum
I dreamed of hunting big stags with dad
Then one day dad would break his back at work
And while he stayed in Rotorua hospital mum would care for us in Turangi
She had just won a battle with cancer which would leave her at a loss
She would soon lose her battle to save her marriage

I was only four
I was only four and I remember the waiting
I loved my cowboy granddad but I wanted my dad
Each day I would wait for dad
I would go to the end of the driveway after breakfast
Grandma would get bring me in for lunch
I would go to the end of the driveway after lunch
Granddad would get me for tea
I would wait for  my father to return
My dad, my hero - I missed his hugs
The Bible tells us in Mark that  in marriage two become “one flesh”
For me, at four, I didn't know that; but something was wrong
I lived with a mum that saw my father in me and struggled
I felt the rejection of a father who forgot my birthday and struggled to save the $800 needed to
bring a child from the West Coast to the Bay of Plenty
Now, even as an adult, the pain of divorce is real for all of us.

I was only six
I was only six and the only bus service in Westport was the Salvation Army
Every Sunday it would come around the state housing block
All of us kids wanted a free ride on the bus
And at Sunday school more money went out of the tiding plate than in
It was like the feeding of the five thousand West Coast State Housing styles.

I was only six
I was only six when I heard the words of Mark "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them, for the kingdom of God belongs to them''
These words washed over the rejection of divorce I felt
There was a Father and Son who cared
I wasn't thought about in divorce but I was thought about in the words of Jesus.
I understood that kids have no place in divorce  - I was last, but at that moment in the Salvation Army I was first.

I was only sixteen
I was only sixteen when I gave my life to Christ
And I read the words of hope in Mark "everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or
mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News will receive in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters mothers, children, and property...”
I didn't read "along with persecution”  because these words gave me an excuse
I could now reject my family and have Christ in return

I was only in my twenties
I was only in my twenties when I was challenged by God
To honor God is to honour my father and my mother
To honour God is not to find the parent to blame
To honour God is to understand that divorce is a condition of our broken world
If my parents stayed together, one would have died
My childhood fantasy story was just that – a fantasy
But Jesus does love all the children of the world – even children of brokenness
And when a relationship of promise has to be broken, we all become broken
The pain is real, and in the upside down Kingdom, some healing can begin

Here’s some figures for you. Currently in Aotearoa New Zealand, 43% of all marriages end in divorce. That means that four out of every ten marriages break up. That is close to half of all marriages. And there is even research on divorce now. Researchers, Richard Rahe (Ray) and Thomas Holmes created researched the most distressing life events that can happen to people. They were interested in both the emotional stress of these events and the physical effects. They found that divorce and martial separation feature in the top three, just after the death of a spouse.

What does this mean, for any one here who has had to make the hard decision of separation or divorce, the pain that you have felt, the physical distress you have endured, it is real. It is not something you can easily get over. What you have gone through in terms of turmoil and brokenness inside yourself is normal. It is not something that you dreamed up. And, if you have had to make this decision as a Christian couple, it has been hard as well.  And if you are, or were, a kid in this it is okay, feeling like rubbish is normal. Your confusion is real.

And this is why we have to recognise that first key point I mentioned, God’s desire is for each of us to recognise that the important of promise relationships, sealed with an oath, are deeply a part of who we each are as humans. When we find ourselves in the pain and trauma of the decision of breaking up, we have to ask ourselves why? We live in a society of choice, why is the pain so real?

I really believe, that the relationship of promise God has for each of us is imprinted on our hearts. But I believe we are a deeply spiritual species. And as deeply spiritual, our spirit cries out – relationship is central to who we are. And we know deeply within ourselves, that a promise relationship sealed with an oath should not be broken. We know that as we lay with our partner, two become one and we feel the pain of the father when we separate.

So, church, this is why it is so important that we journey together. We need to carry each other. We need to be intentional in our church relationships, so that we are there for each other before everything turns to custard and there is no other choice. Church for us, to demonstrate Kingdom living, is to find ways to support each other so that families can ride through the hard times rather than find the vehicles they are on derailing all-together.

And this takes us to the second point, Relationships of promise are not based on a feeling of love and choice. Dr George Blair-West is an Australian psychiatrist on a mission. He is not a Christian, but he has worked in the field of relationships for so long that he knows the effects of divorce and separation. His aim is to see divorce no longer a condition of our contemporary society. Dr Blair-West points out that the high divorce rates of today are based on a contemporary idea of marriage.

He notes that divorce rates really started to shoot up from the late 1960s, and he says this is because we have based our relationship decisions on feelings and emotions. He calls contemporary marriages – love marriages. He notes that laws were changed in western countries like Aotearoa NZ in the 1960s to enable divorce to be based on no rational decision at all, you could divorce, simply because the romance had died off. He points out that before the 1960s, marriages weren’t happier than they are today, but people were committed to each other because marriage was a promise relationship sealed with an oath.

Often the times that Jesus walked in were so much different to today, and often we as preachers and teachers talk into this difference. But when it comes to divorce, the times of Jesus and the times of today are very much the same. When the Pharisees were trying to trip Jesus up with the Law, they were very much trying to justify their mis-use of the scriptures of Moses in Deuteronomy 24: 1-2. Moses did set out conditions for divorce, but these conditions were designed to protect a wife in the situation that a husband divorced her and she was not in the wrong. By the time of Jesus, these scriptures were used to justify any context for divorce.

So, we need to see that love is not a feeling, it is a verb that involves commitment. There will be times when the romance is not there, and we have to soldier on. As a church we need to work proactively with each other in ‘prevention mode’ so that all of us are supported in these tough times. But we also have to recognise that there will be times, just as Moses did, when separation has to occur. And we have to be there for the 43% of the families who experience divorce – for the children and the parents. Because God’s condemnation does not sit in this brokenness, the response of his heart does. So how can we respond to this brokenness?

The answer here is demonstrated in the one key action of the Father and the Son. The Father’s key response to our brokenness was to send his only son. And he didn’t just send his son to die for us. That is one aspect yes. But if the death and resurrection of Christ was the only response to our brokenness our gospels will be much shorter; and given that Mark is very light on this part of the ministry of Christ, we would not be reading Mark today. One of the key actions demonstrated by Jesus in the bulk of the gospels is that he came here, to this earth, to have an intentional relationship with us. Not just any relationship, he came to have an intentional one. This relationship would be one of love and compassion and it would demonstrate the Kingdom of Christ on this earth right now. This needs to be our response to the brokenness right now. It is the same response we need to have to the prevention aspect as well. We need to grab hold of our relationships with each other and build the intentional right now. There are three ways that we can do this. We can intentionally give time to others. We can intentionally open our lives to others. And, we can intentionally give to others.

Grandparents are a great example of the intentional giving of time. Many of us have had the joy of grandparents – the heroes in our lives, storytellers and cool babysitters. I have been very privileged myself to have amazing grandparents. But some of us, and some of our children don’t. So, how can we sit in the gap? A couple of weeks ago I was out-of-the-blue invited to be an honoury grandchild and to be taken on my own train trip. On the day I realised that while Christians are part of my life everywhere, I had not intentionally spent time with a fellow Christian until that day for at least two years outside of movies with Andy. My life had just got so busy. We got to talk about God, we were able to acknowledge his greatness and, in that, bless each other. Please friends, if you have planned to give time to someone and haven’t yet – do it. Time is too short to miss the opportunity of intentionally giving time.

So what about the intentional opening our lives to others. I grew up in the State Housing Block of Westport. The State Housing Block in Westport had an interesting culture. All of our neighbours were Aunties and Uncles, even if they were not related. We were taught to respect all adults as family. And these adults became our family. And after school, if there was no food in my house, there would be in one of my aunties. Many of us in church open our homes and our lives. We need to intentionally keep doing things together as a church that involve us coming together. Whether it be a family day, life group or shared occasions, the more we intentionally open our lives to each other, the more we can start to prevent and speak into the brokenness.

We need to intentionally give to others. Out of brokenness can come some real stories of hope. When my family lived in Turangi, my father was working for the prison service. He would often bring me home gifts – my favourite were all the keys. I kept these for many years – especially when I realised that they could open many doors. The keys are gone in an act of repentance, but there is only one gift that remains. It is this hard, solid leather bear. I never remember it with ears – I dragged it around everywhere and the ears broke off. Later the arms broke off but my Grandfather fixed it with curtain wire. I never knew where this bear came from until recently when talking with my dad. My bear was made for me especially by a prisoner serving time. He would never see his children again and he made the bear for a child he had heard about through my dad. He loved his child so much he wanted to express it. This bear is the love of this prisoner to his child – through the expression of love to another child. It is the love that Jesus calls us to. It is giving without  without conditions or knowledge of the recipient of the gift. It is the giving of the cross.

No rei ra

Church, we need to intentionally respond to the 43%. We need to be a space of prevention. We need to be a space of healing. We need to be a place of non-condemnation.  We need to remember that:

1)     God’s desire is for each of us to recognise that the important of promise relationships, sealed with an oath, are deeply a part of who we each are as humans;

2)     Relationships of promise are not based on a feeling of love and choice;

3)     When things are so difficult that the only option is separation, the pain is real, and the brokenness is real too;

4)     And hear me here, God’s condemnation does not sit in this brokenness;

5)     As a church, as the Bride of Christ in preparation for the wedding, we have to respond to the brokenness that is occurring in our society today.

And I think this is an opportunity. [guide only now] I know right here, right now, today there are people still in pain. There are fathers, mothers, children, wives and husbands who have felt the emotional and physical effects and still experience it today. Come to the cross and lay down this burden from your heart. There may be some families who are struggling and there is still hope, please, you can come up the front, but I would encourage you to talk to our elders, seek counsel, and intentionally walk with our leaders and other families through this time. The love of the cross is real, I really believe the only real healing that comes from separation is to be joined with Jesus, not just at the cross, but after the cross, in his resurrection where he again intentionally returned to demonstrate to us all that there is hope, there is hope even after the darkest of times.

No rei ra

Tene koutou, Tene koutou Tene koutou katoa