I have spent near to a decade working on one of the most amazing programmes in the world – youth development, or as we proudly assert #BYD4life. It has been my dream job as I was able to be an activist, academic, agent for change and advocate for the learning of our students. But, last year I decided to step out of this comfort zone; at least for a while. I took the management challenge on. Part of me didn’t want to; my family is very working class, we are use to managers ‘crapping on us’. We are use to managers making hard decisions in times of stress to save their jobs and put the pressure on the plebs, or the workers, to make a difference. But I didn’t see the Head of School role as a managerial position. I saw it as a chance to lead as an academic leader. I could really make a difference, even in a time of stress and change. I had begun to push at the edges of my comfort zone and, to be honest, it was enjoyable. You see, you do not grow in your comfort zone. It is a static place, that is so why we like it. It is in the challenge that you grow, not in the comfort.
However, once 2019 hit, it was clear. More changes would be needed in my sector in order to prepare for future changes and challenges. You see while I was in my challenge zone, I could still see the lines of my comfort zone. To me this gave me some security in my challenge. But that line was going to move.
2019 would see this line move in two ways. The first was in a good way. Others might not see it as this, but I do. In order to make ourselves fit for 2020, my workplace looked at making cuts to the managerial layer. While I may still be here in the future, it is my decision to rest in the possibility that this season is ending. I am now at the crossroads that occurs when your position, along with others, is disestablished, I can choose where I go, to the left or to the right. I can chose to stop and wait and I can chose to step back. I won’t be choosing that.
The second change was a deeply challenging one. I was to journey with a young friend, colleague and mentor to the United States. This is a complete pick up and shift out of my comfort zone. I would not be with family and worse, I would have to experience LAX and O’Hare Chicago International Airport. Even worse, one flight is 16 hours straight in the air, no stops, but if you were to add those in, well that makes it a near 24 hour flight over three days (due to time zone shifting).
This flight would take me to the International Congress of Qualitative Inquiry (for those of us not use to ivory tower speak, this translates into the Nerds Come Together to Talk About Storytelling in Research). Given the changes that were happening within my workplace, I just didn’t want to go. Not only would I have to endure the challenge, the real challenge, of being out of my geographical comfort zone (always having to remember to not lose my passport), I would have to also endure an identity crisis.
Given that I am no longer a university lecturer or even, the perceived lesser, of a polytechnic tutor, could I really go to this type of big-wig conference? Especially if the world’s top expert in qualitative research was leading it (Norman Denzin) and I, a NZ Pakeha, was representing an indigenous project with an amazing up and coming researcher, Hine Funaki who can claim this space loud and proud. She really didn't need me to support her as her mana and her ancestors go before her.
And in all this, the words of my youth sector friends were ringing in my ears, when my journey with WelTec and Whitireia closes, I will need to pause. After all, they would tell me, it is in the pause that I will find what is lost. And this conference was such a pause, but a pause in the worst place possible, an indigenous circle at an international conference in the United States of America. And, in a town, which only tourist attraction is … the university. I was trapped, no museum of real attraction, the celebrated history is that of a university; with a forgotten history only revealed in spaces like the conference. I had to attend the conference.
I was well and truly out of my comfort zone. The line between comfort and challenge could no longer be seen. This space was one of sink or swim and I had no energy to swim.
So as I paused, I did not find what I lost at first, I found with deep sadness what I had become. The last few years have been so hard that I have pushed ahead no matter what. I have forgot to take life West Coast styles and simply ‘chill’. My headspace of pushing ahead was excluding and pushing out others. It stopped others sharing my space. It stopped others journeying with me and growing with me. I had gone into a zone of self-protection. If a door opened and I needed to make my way through it, I would push ahead not caring for the person in front struggling to make a step forward.
To be honest, I had become greedy and self-centred in order to protect myself from the hurts of change.
I had become selfish in an attempt to not lose myself. But I did lose myself. This is what my friends were getting at. I had to be out of my comfort zone to see this. I had to be challenged by my colleagues, by Hine returning to the hotel one evening who simply knew we were not ready to present with my pushing-ahead behaviours.
I had to experience the rich and warm hospitality of the American people I met. The attitude of each person to me to apologise if they had failed to open a door for me; to show deep appreciation for a thanks; and to be prepared to live by the motto of ‘any thing can be returned, no questions asked, and a refund will be given with a smile.’ America is not perfect. We all know this and in Aotearoa we are quick to remind Americans of this. But the people, the working people, who probably can't afford to come to Aotearoa, wow they know how to teach you a lesson in appreciation.
I had to go through this journey at an academic conference of all things. I had to find that in my challenge zone, there will always be a space of comfort, and I found it at this conference. I have never been to an academic conference where tears have flown deeply in rooms as presenters share their hearts.
Hear me here, this did not occur in all presentations and my first challenge was, once I realised what I had lost and had become, I had to find comfort in the waiting time of the struggle. So I decided to go to presentations from those academics that had impacted my journey. I sat through the presentations and I felt uneasy. I could understand the language and the arguments, but I realised that this type of academia was not my home.
I felt so lost because I am at these crossroads and if I have to decide to return to university education, can I? Well, I felt, no I could not. You see I have to be real to the people that engage in my work. I know the big words yes, but I do not want to use them to belittle others, especially when a big word like epistemology can have a simple word replace it with just as much meaning, worldview? To be honest, I do not want to be a 'tosser' academic striving for positions and a fan club. I do not want to have to play the game.
I left these presentations sad and angry. Sad that part of my future has been decided by myself, to not return to the ivory tower of language and big words. Angry, that a key role of academics is to be a social critic of society, but how can we if society doesn’t understand what we say? Added to this, and deep to my being, how can we be a social critic if we stand above our people and not with our people?
And then I decided to follow my heart. I decided to go to a presentation that involved spoken words from some Pacific academics from New Zealand. It was here that my heart really heard my reality. I do not want to return to a mundane job. I want to be in positions that make real difference, not for others, but with others. This decision does not determine the who I will be in the future, but it does determine the course of my future. I will continue to be an advocate for change and I will not speak a language that cannot be understood.
Part of this realisation came through a key group within the conference called the Indigenous Circle. This is a group that represents indigenous peoples and their allies. People who understand that impact of colonisation that continues to tear apart our communities today. This group slowly got to know me and as the conference continued, they embraced me in ways that I could never imagine. It was like they saw my heart but wanted to know it was genuine. By the end of the conference this became apparent as members came to me to hug me before they left for home and one member gave me a piece of carved coal. I even found soul mates in allies who had come from working class backgrounds in France and Ireland. It was special to be able to talk bollocks with those that know what bollocks is and to question the need to put Derrida and Foucault on Pillars when they were writing in their own context.
So back to reality.
My grandfather carved coal. My grandparents on both sides believed in justice and I know that they continue to stand with me proud. They may have passed but they were at my graduation and present in my wedding vowels. They were present at this conference. They have reminded me deeply, we will always be challenged to move outside of our comfort zone. We must embrace this challenge. We must remember that those before us, once stepped outside of their comfort zone. And, even though we don’t see the line of comfort in the challenge, if we close our eyes, we will feel the presence of those before us. We will feel the presence of our faith and we can be assured, growth can only happen in the challenge, but the challenge does not have to hurt if we rub our feet into the soil and feel those who stand with us.
I return to Aotearoa knowing that my work for social justice will continue. I return knowing that this is what I am to look for in future opportunities. I return hopeful and I return with massive thanks to my colleagues Associate Professor Joanna Kidman for making this opportunity, near 'Full Professor' Hine Funaki for joining me and being part of the challenge and superhero Pine Southon for making it all work.
Aotearoa - I am coming back to you, my home, now. Thank you America, thank you to my new friends.
