What do we do with the 43%

Teddy - A Memory with a Special Story

Tene koutou, tene koutou, tene tatou katoa

So whanau, for those of you who have been journeying with us regularly, are you ready to dive straight into the book of Mark?

Brilliant, okay, let’s go. Turn with me to Ruth 1, verses 16-17. The book that is just before Kings in the Old Testament where we are introduced to one of the mighty women in the whakapapa of Jesus.

"Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from following you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me."

These powerful words can be found in the book of Ruth as she swears an oath to always be with Naomi and to walk in the ways of Naomi, even if that involved following a foreign God.

When Eric and I got married, on two separate occasions, we wrote our own vowels to each other, I chose these words. To me they are so powerful as they tell us about a promise relationship, when we commit ourselves to each other to live with each other no matter what. It is this promise relationship that God has sworn over us – one that is exemplified at the cross, where he became broken for us, to carry our brokenness and bring us healing. The Biblical word for a promise relationship is covenant. And, it should not be broken.

"Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from following you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the LORD deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me."

Folks, we live in a world of broken promises. We live in a world where it is okay to speak the words but walk another way. We make promises to each other that we just don’t have to keep because it is okay to take any reason to break a promise. You have probably guessed it, but I have really felt prompted as we journey into Mark, to preach on something really tricky today.

The passage I have been given in Mark to share from is Chapter 10, verses 1-32. And the verses start with a topic that is all too real today.  Now, as a team, we are encouraged to pray into what God wants us to share. And as I prayed and prepared into this week’s message, I felt a prompting to talk into the topic that Jesus is challenged on by the Pharisees. Because you see there is danger in these verses; and, yes, the word of God is dangerous, you can’t have an upside-down Kingdom without putting the current status quo into danger. There is danger in these verses, as they challenge us and remind us of the power of promise relationships, and, at times, they have been used to condemn others, and,  at times, they have become verses of self-condemnation; but if we were to read these verses with the heart of God, we would see that they speak first into the brokenness of this world, they speak so much into it, and they also speak into the profound love of a God – who says to us “where you go, I will go” even if it means going into the pits of hell to save you.

From there he went to the area of Judea across the Jordan. A crowd of people, as was so often the case, went along, and he, as he so often did, taught them. Pharisees came up, intending to give him a hard time. They asked, "Is it legal for a man to divorce his wife?" Jesus said, "What did Moses command?" They answered, "Moses gave permission to fill out a certificate of dismissal and divorce her." Jesus said, "Moses wrote this command only as a concession to your hardhearted ways. In the original creation, God made male and female to be together. Because of this, a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage he becomes one flesh with a woman--no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart." When they were back home, the disciples brought it up again.  (Mar 10:1-10)

Whanau, today I am going to talk into the topic of divorce. The topic that Jesus is confronted with here. Before we even start I want you to know the key points of this message:

1)     God’s desire is for each of us to recognise that the important of promise relationships, sealed with an oath, are deeply a part of who we each are as humans; 

2)     Relationships of promise are not based on a feeling of love and choice; 

3)     When things are so difficult that the only option is separation, the pain is real, and the brokenness is real too; 

4)     And hear me here, God’s condemnation does not sit in this brokenness; 

5)     As a church, as the Bride of Christ in preparation for the wedding, we have to respond to the brokenness that is occurring in our society today.

And at this point, while I am not going to venture too much further into the verses of Mark 10:1-32, I will capture some of the themes as I share a spoken word, or poem, of the experience being in amongst divorce, in a situation that divorce was called for – it was the only choice, unfortunately it was the right choice, for my parents to make. But the brokenness and the pain for all of us, my parents, my sister and I, was, and still is, still real.

I was only four
I was only four and I remember the fights
Frypans, fists and words
Thrown around the house
Bruises, blood and hurt
It wasn't a safe home for anyone
But I loved them both
I dreamed of becoming a nurse like my mum
I dreamed of hunting big stags with dad
Then one day dad would break his back at work
And while he stayed in Rotorua hospital mum would care for us in Turangi
She had just won a battle with cancer which would leave her at a loss
She would soon lose her battle to save her marriage

I was only four
I was only four and I remember the waiting
I loved my cowboy granddad but I wanted my dad
Each day I would wait for dad
I would go to the end of the driveway after breakfast
Grandma would get bring me in for lunch
I would go to the end of the driveway after lunch
Granddad would get me for tea
I would wait for  my father to return
My dad, my hero - I missed his hugs
The Bible tells us in Mark that  in marriage two become “one flesh”
For me, at four, I didn't know that; but something was wrong
I lived with a mum that saw my father in me and struggled
I felt the rejection of a father who forgot my birthday and struggled to save the $800 needed to
bring a child from the West Coast to the Bay of Plenty
Now, even as an adult, the pain of divorce is real for all of us.

I was only six
I was only six and the only bus service in Westport was the Salvation Army
Every Sunday it would come around the state housing block
All of us kids wanted a free ride on the bus
And at Sunday school more money went out of the tiding plate than in
It was like the feeding of the five thousand West Coast State Housing styles.

I was only six
I was only six when I heard the words of Mark "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them, for the kingdom of God belongs to them''
These words washed over the rejection of divorce I felt
There was a Father and Son who cared
I wasn't thought about in divorce but I was thought about in the words of Jesus.
I understood that kids have no place in divorce  - I was last, but at that moment in the Salvation Army I was first.

I was only sixteen
I was only sixteen when I gave my life to Christ
And I read the words of hope in Mark "everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or
mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News will receive in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters mothers, children, and property...”
I didn't read "along with persecution”  because these words gave me an excuse
I could now reject my family and have Christ in return

I was only in my twenties
I was only in my twenties when I was challenged by God
To honor God is to honour my father and my mother
To honour God is not to find the parent to blame
To honour God is to understand that divorce is a condition of our broken world
If my parents stayed together, one would have died
My childhood fantasy story was just that – a fantasy
But Jesus does love all the children of the world – even children of brokenness
And when a relationship of promise has to be broken, we all become broken
The pain is real, and in the upside down Kingdom, some healing can begin

Here’s some figures for you. Currently in Aotearoa New Zealand, 43% of all marriages end in divorce. That means that four out of every ten marriages break up. That is close to half of all marriages. And there is even research on divorce now. Researchers, Richard Rahe (Ray) and Thomas Holmes created researched the most distressing life events that can happen to people. They were interested in both the emotional stress of these events and the physical effects. They found that divorce and martial separation feature in the top three, just after the death of a spouse.

What does this mean, for any one here who has had to make the hard decision of separation or divorce, the pain that you have felt, the physical distress you have endured, it is real. It is not something you can easily get over. What you have gone through in terms of turmoil and brokenness inside yourself is normal. It is not something that you dreamed up. And, if you have had to make this decision as a Christian couple, it has been hard as well.  And if you are, or were, a kid in this it is okay, feeling like rubbish is normal. Your confusion is real.

And this is why we have to recognise that first key point I mentioned, God’s desire is for each of us to recognise that the important of promise relationships, sealed with an oath, are deeply a part of who we each are as humans. When we find ourselves in the pain and trauma of the decision of breaking up, we have to ask ourselves why? We live in a society of choice, why is the pain so real?

I really believe, that the relationship of promise God has for each of us is imprinted on our hearts. But I believe we are a deeply spiritual species. And as deeply spiritual, our spirit cries out – relationship is central to who we are. And we know deeply within ourselves, that a promise relationship sealed with an oath should not be broken. We know that as we lay with our partner, two become one and we feel the pain of the father when we separate.

So, church, this is why it is so important that we journey together. We need to carry each other. We need to be intentional in our church relationships, so that we are there for each other before everything turns to custard and there is no other choice. Church for us, to demonstrate Kingdom living, is to find ways to support each other so that families can ride through the hard times rather than find the vehicles they are on derailing all-together.

And this takes us to the second point, Relationships of promise are not based on a feeling of love and choice. Dr George Blair-West is an Australian psychiatrist on a mission. He is not a Christian, but he has worked in the field of relationships for so long that he knows the effects of divorce and separation. His aim is to see divorce no longer a condition of our contemporary society. Dr Blair-West points out that the high divorce rates of today are based on a contemporary idea of marriage.

He notes that divorce rates really started to shoot up from the late 1960s, and he says this is because we have based our relationship decisions on feelings and emotions. He calls contemporary marriages – love marriages. He notes that laws were changed in western countries like Aotearoa NZ in the 1960s to enable divorce to be based on no rational decision at all, you could divorce, simply because the romance had died off. He points out that before the 1960s, marriages weren’t happier than they are today, but people were committed to each other because marriage was a promise relationship sealed with an oath.

Often the times that Jesus walked in were so much different to today, and often we as preachers and teachers talk into this difference. But when it comes to divorce, the times of Jesus and the times of today are very much the same. When the Pharisees were trying to trip Jesus up with the Law, they were very much trying to justify their mis-use of the scriptures of Moses in Deuteronomy 24: 1-2. Moses did set out conditions for divorce, but these conditions were designed to protect a wife in the situation that a husband divorced her and she was not in the wrong. By the time of Jesus, these scriptures were used to justify any context for divorce.

So, we need to see that love is not a feeling, it is a verb that involves commitment. There will be times when the romance is not there, and we have to soldier on. As a church we need to work proactively with each other in ‘prevention mode’ so that all of us are supported in these tough times. But we also have to recognise that there will be times, just as Moses did, when separation has to occur. And we have to be there for the 43% of the families who experience divorce – for the children and the parents. Because God’s condemnation does not sit in this brokenness, the response of his heart does. So how can we respond to this brokenness?

The answer here is demonstrated in the one key action of the Father and the Son. The Father’s key response to our brokenness was to send his only son. And he didn’t just send his son to die for us. That is one aspect yes. But if the death and resurrection of Christ was the only response to our brokenness our gospels will be much shorter; and given that Mark is very light on this part of the ministry of Christ, we would not be reading Mark today. One of the key actions demonstrated by Jesus in the bulk of the gospels is that he came here, to this earth, to have an intentional relationship with us. Not just any relationship, he came to have an intentional one. This relationship would be one of love and compassion and it would demonstrate the Kingdom of Christ on this earth right now. This needs to be our response to the brokenness right now. It is the same response we need to have to the prevention aspect as well. We need to grab hold of our relationships with each other and build the intentional right now. There are three ways that we can do this. We can intentionally give time to others. We can intentionally open our lives to others. And, we can intentionally give to others.

Grandparents are a great example of the intentional giving of time. Many of us have had the joy of grandparents – the heroes in our lives, storytellers and cool babysitters. I have been very privileged myself to have amazing grandparents. But some of us, and some of our children don’t. So, how can we sit in the gap? A couple of weeks ago I was out-of-the-blue invited to be an honoury grandchild and to be taken on my own train trip. On the day I realised that while Christians are part of my life everywhere, I had not intentionally spent time with a fellow Christian until that day for at least two years outside of movies with Andy. My life had just got so busy. We got to talk about God, we were able to acknowledge his greatness and, in that, bless each other. Please friends, if you have planned to give time to someone and haven’t yet – do it. Time is too short to miss the opportunity of intentionally giving time.

So what about the intentional opening our lives to others. I grew up in the State Housing Block of Westport. The State Housing Block in Westport had an interesting culture. All of our neighbours were Aunties and Uncles, even if they were not related. We were taught to respect all adults as family. And these adults became our family. And after school, if there was no food in my house, there would be in one of my aunties. Many of us in church open our homes and our lives. We need to intentionally keep doing things together as a church that involve us coming together. Whether it be a family day, life group or shared occasions, the more we intentionally open our lives to each other, the more we can start to prevent and speak into the brokenness.

We need to intentionally give to others. Out of brokenness can come some real stories of hope. When my family lived in Turangi, my father was working for the prison service. He would often bring me home gifts – my favourite were all the keys. I kept these for many years – especially when I realised that they could open many doors. The keys are gone in an act of repentance, but there is only one gift that remains. It is this hard, solid leather bear. I never remember it with ears – I dragged it around everywhere and the ears broke off. Later the arms broke off but my Grandfather fixed it with curtain wire. I never knew where this bear came from until recently when talking with my dad. My bear was made for me especially by a prisoner serving time. He would never see his children again and he made the bear for a child he had heard about through my dad. He loved his child so much he wanted to express it. This bear is the love of this prisoner to his child – through the expression of love to another child. It is the love that Jesus calls us to. It is giving without  without conditions or knowledge of the recipient of the gift. It is the giving of the cross.

No rei ra

Church, we need to intentionally respond to the 43%. We need to be a space of prevention. We need to be a space of healing. We need to be a place of non-condemnation.  We need to remember that:

1)     God’s desire is for each of us to recognise that the important of promise relationships, sealed with an oath, are deeply a part of who we each are as humans;

2)     Relationships of promise are not based on a feeling of love and choice;

3)     When things are so difficult that the only option is separation, the pain is real, and the brokenness is real too;

4)     And hear me here, God’s condemnation does not sit in this brokenness;

5)     As a church, as the Bride of Christ in preparation for the wedding, we have to respond to the brokenness that is occurring in our society today.

And I think this is an opportunity. [guide only now] I know right here, right now, today there are people still in pain. There are fathers, mothers, children, wives and husbands who have felt the emotional and physical effects and still experience it today. Come to the cross and lay down this burden from your heart. There may be some families who are struggling and there is still hope, please, you can come up the front, but I would encourage you to talk to our elders, seek counsel, and intentionally walk with our leaders and other families through this time. The love of the cross is real, I really believe the only real healing that comes from separation is to be joined with Jesus, not just at the cross, but after the cross, in his resurrection where he again intentionally returned to demonstrate to us all that there is hope, there is hope even after the darkest of times.

No rei ra

Tene koutou, Tene koutou Tene koutou katoa